I am certain that I have encountered more dogs and parrots called Oscar than people. I’ve even ridden (and fallen off) a horse called Oscar. I have recently come across a few pre-teens called Oscar, but other than my neighbour swearing at her dog, I hardly ever hear my name unless someone is talking about/to me.

The thing about a name like Oscar is that its rarity removes the need for appending a surname. So, “Oscar” will be used in conversation and people will usually expect that everyone around them knows who is being spoken about. Peter, Andrew, Michael or John are the types of name that are generally used in conjunction with a surname.

Even the Academy Awards aren’t a problem, because Oscar is always preceded by ‘the’. I may not be the world’s most humble person, but I’ve never considered myself as The Oscar. The Donald? Well, that’s another story.

Oscar Pistorius changed all that. All of a sudden my name was being used in conversation all the time, and given the background (as explained above) I initially thought that the conversation involved me.

It made me quite gun shy, if you’ll excuse the expression.

It’s all calmed down, thankfully, but when the matter gets to trial – with accompanying media frenzy – it’ll start all over again. In preparation, I’ll train myself to ignore anyone mentioning my name. If I don’t, I could end up with a case of acquired Tourettes.

Kakonomics is based upon the type of exchange where both parties are complicit in sub-standard delivery while professing a desire for top quality.

I wouldn’t say that my relationship with the Post Office has reached the point where my side of the exchange is done at a discount, but I certainly appear to be edging into a state of docility. The institution has progressively been rolling out a new point of sale system, to replace one which cost a fortune in software royalties. The cynic in me assumes that the new system had to have been the subject of a rigged tender, at a vastly inflated price, but I have no evidence, so cannot make the allegation.

What I know for a fact, because I’m at the receiving end of it, is that the new one is crap. Transactions take much longer to process. Some transaction types cannot be processed, and payment by card hardly ever works.

The first few times that I proffered my card in payment, only to be told that they could accept cash only, I got all huffy. Now, I’m ashamed to admit, I drive to the Post Office via an ATM. I do a quick mental calculation of what I expect the total to be, and withdraw that amount of cash.

I’ve given up on being huffy. Instead, I stand there like an impotent patsy, with R2000 in my pocket.

Card payments earned me eBucks on every transaction. Now, I expend my time – and some bank charges – in drawing cash.

A constant feature of the Post Office, regardless of which point of sale system they use, is that delivery of international mail is not only inconsistent, but also devoid of any useful tracking information.

I saw Bruce Whitfield quoted as saying that, unlike most private sector companies, the Post Office cannot be shamed into doing the right thing. That would explain why the organisation can get away with being as crap as it is. The absence of alternatives means that we’ll just continue to suck up the abuse, because that’s what it is.

In exchange, I’ll occasionally make public comments (such as this one) about the Post Office’s extreme crapness. I’m not sure if my reciprocal verbal abuse qualifies the exchange as Kakonomics, but there’s certainly plenty of ‘kak’ in the experience.

Click here and here and here for past expressions of frustration at the Post Office.

My Facebook timeline appears to have been invaded by cat memes. You know, those ones where a little bit of wisdom or humour is overlaid on a cute cat picture. Last year, it was all about the six-pic series relating to What I Really Do. There may have been one doing the rounds built around cycling, but with the theme of What I Really Look Like.

The point of mountain biking is to have fun in beautiful landscapes. If one excludes the possibility of broken collarbones, shoulders and wrists, it’s supposed to promote good health.

The majority of us have no hope of getting anywhere near the front of the race, and we come in all shapes and sizes, but at some point every one of us – as we go belting down single track, or weaving through trees – maps the experience onto pictures we’ve seen of pro riders doing the same thing. It’s sad, I know, but it makes for a good meme.

There is quite a wide spectrum of ability and fitness amongst us amateurs. Like weekend golfers, we start coveting better technology. Bigger wheels (29-inch) and lighter bikes (carbon frame) top the list.

It’s an arms race of sorts, which I have also joined. First it was the move from entry-level hard tail with old-fashioned block brakes to full suspension and disk brakes. The next jump was to carbon frame with top-of-the-range tubeless 29-inch wheels.

My first moment of technical inadequacy came when I wanted to remove the front wheel. The new technology here is the Maxle – effectively an axle that screws right out, instead of having attachments on either sides of the fork. I had to watch a YouTube video to learn how to do it.

Then, when the fabulous tubeless tyres had a slow leak, I discovered that I should have been topping up the sealant on a regular basis. Once again, there was a key ‘trick’, because the tyre needs to be reinflated in such a way that enables it to seat against the rim, thereby trapping the air. Doing this by means of a hand pump doesn’t work, because the air just escapes before the pressure inside the tyre forces it to seal against the rim. The only way to achieve that is to give it the full force of a CO2 ‘bomb’.

So far, so good.

After my experiences this weekend I can report that I have hit the wall. When it comes to technical proficiency I have reached the limit of my capabilities.

I decided that my brake pads needed changing (at just under R500 for the set it’s a lot less than the cost of brake pads for a car, but on a cost-per-kilometre-covered basis I’m sure the bike’s pads are more expensive). So, I dashed off to the bike shop just before closing time on Saturday. The shop owner gave me a little explanation of what to do.

Upon removing the worn pads I first had to depress the pistons that activate the brakes when the handle is pulled (it operates on a hydraulic system). If this is not done, the pads won’t fit, because the new pads take up more space than the worn ones. After losing all the fluid in the front brakes and failing completely in getting the rear pistons to budge, I gave up. Far from performing some maintenance that would keep the bike in tip-top shape I had rendered it unrideable.

I’ve always associated pistons with the internal combustion engine. Who would have thought they play a key role in enabling a human-propelled vehicle to slow down?

I may yet cling to the illusion that I’m a racing snake, a bike-riding machine, but I have no problem in relinquishing any claim to knowledge about the technical side of bicycles. What I Think I Know, and What I Really Know, as well as what the Bike Mechanic Thinks I Know, are all the same. Nothing.

I’m delighted for Peter Gird and Justin Bonello, the brains, passion – and risk – behind Ultimate Braaimaster, that season two is shaping up to be bigger and better. It was a privilege to have been a small part of season one!

I wrote here about the Ultimate Braaimaster being about much more than just putting up a nice plate of food. It is an epic road trip, of which the auditions are a very small part. But, however small the auditions are, in relation to the whole, you’re not getting anywhere near the road trip if you don’t impress the judges in the auditions. Having experienced them from both sides (contestant last year, judge this year), here are some of my views on getting it right.

OK, so here goes…

Basics
You need shade (an ordinary, collapsible gazebo is fine). Working in the sun is no fun, and the judges won’t be enthusiastic about tasting food that’s been sitting in the sun. Maintain cold chain.

Take along a little plastic bath to use for washup, as well as dish washing liquid. Judges love good hygiene, especially if they are food professionals. On the same topic, be religious about preventing cross-contimanination.

When you cook in a kitchen it is very easy to control heat. Doing this on – and around – a fire is a lot harder. You always need to be thinking ahead to make sure that you have enough heat for what you’re going to be cooking next. There’s nothing worse than trying to caramelise fillet steak above tepid coals.

Menu planning – impressing the judges
Justin has said all along that a chop on the braai won’t do. If you are going to cook that metaphorical chop, what are you going to do to make that chop different to every other lamb chop that has ever been braaied? What is going to accompany it? It’s not just about the meat. The freshness of a salad or salsa not only gives the palate a break from smoky meat, but it also gives you the opportunity of showing off some knife skills (if you make a salsa with cubed elements, it will be more impressive with 5mm, than 10mm, cubes), or an absolute ripper of a salad dressing. If you’re in any doubt, borrow some ideas from Vietnamese or other fresh Asian cuisines. Donna Hay has great ideas for braai dishes, especially presentation.

If you can show off a few different culinary techniques you’re going to give yourself a better chance of being chosen. Therefore, I would plan to cook at least two, perhaps more, dishes. I am, personally, not a great dessert eater, but I would recommend that you include a dessert because you’ll be demonstrating greater depth to your braai repertoire.

Presentation makes a big difference – we eat with our eyes first. Bear in mind that the judges are not going to taste more than a mouthful of any dish, so give it to them in small format. Tapas is a great way of doing this, at the same time as making things look great.

As I said above, controlling heat is critical. It also means that braaimasters need to be inventive in their tools and methods. Judges love to be surprised by dishes they thought couldn’t be cooked on the braai.

Menu planning – operational practicality
You will know exactly what time you’re going to be judged. You have plenty of time to cook a whole bunch of things, but they can’t all be last-minute. You can reduce stress by smoking fish well in advance, or by selecting menu items that are served cooked through (like pork belly). So, think – and plan – like a chef. Break all your dishes down into their component elements. Work backwards and do whatever you can in advance, remaining true to the ingredients.

Menu planning – what to avoid
Chicken breasts and pork fillet can be amazing when cooked on coals, but they are the braai equivalent of a 50-50 pass in rugby. They have no fat, which makes them prone to being dry.

On Saturday in Cape Town, we were served several totally uninspiring banana-based desserts. Not only did they show a lack of imagination, but they looked terrible as well. Plus, you’re in trouble if your judge doesn’t like eating cooked bananas.

Braai is something we do in our downtime, relaxing with friends. Above all, have fun and enjoy the experience!

(Recipes and methods for two of our audition items from 2012 are here. Click here for a few baking items I tried out on the Weber in preparation for Ultimate Braaimaster.)

Out-of-town weddings are often the best, because they end up being an entire weekend of spending fun times with people one may not see that often. A family wedding several years ago involved us arriving in Plettenberg Bay on the Friday, with a large inner circle gathering for dinner. A sidebar to the dinner was my 60-something mother-in-law joining the youngsters in a couple of rounds of tequila shots (my kind of granny!).

The wedding itself took place at a cliff-top castle, with views of the Robberg peninsula. It was a smashing evening (complete with major public liability insurance in case anyone took a wrong turn to the bathroom). At some point around 2 or 3 am I went to bed, because I had to drive back to Cape Town early-ish the following morning. Pam (my mother-in-law) was supposed to stay somewhere else, but because there was no-one sober enough to drive her to where she was staying, she dossed down at the castle, with make-shift pyjamas consisting of one of my surf-brand t-shirts and Andrea’s pyjama pants (Andrea is my wife, so Pam’s daughter).

She wasn’t able to tell us what time she’d finally got to bed, other than that the DJ had already stopped playing (Pam is something of a party animal when she gets going). There were several chores to be done the following morning, revolving around packing up a house in Keurboomstrand, which was also where Pam was supposed to be spending the night. Andrea agreed that Pam would get a lift with her, but her brain wasn’t really functioning yet, so she left without Pam.

Pam had been directed to the parking lot a little up the road (in truth, less than 50 metres). She obviously didn’t encounter Andrea in the parking lot, so kept walking up the road, thinking that the car must be a bit further. I should add that it was a gravel road, covered with many stones of different sizes. And, Pam is not the most physically active person (if she didn’t have to go outside to smoke she wouldn’t get any exercise at all).

So, there she was, dressed in the make-shift pyjamas, walking barefoot up a road she may not even normally negotiate in sensible shoes, carrying the previous night’s outfit. After walking about 500m, she was offered assistance by a passing motorist, which she declined with a cheery, “Don’t worry, thank you, my daughter is just around the corner.”

Goodness knows what the motorist thought, because Pam looked like an escapee from a mental hospital.

I left a little while later, unaware that Pam had missed her ride. When I finally caught up to her she was about a mile up this gnarly road, still barefoot in her borrowed get-up, with her party gear carefully draped over her arm, and clearly still optimistic that her daughter was “just around the corner”.

The incongruity of the situation isn’t something you could script (unless, of course, you’re making a sequel to The Hangover).

With the right crowd, the wedding can be every bit as out of control as the stag party. The legend of out of town weddings continues…

You will notice that I have left out the apostrophe in the header. I have no desire to call myself an idiot (i.e. idiot’s), nor is there any insinuation that people reading this, or attending the race meeting (i.e. idiots’) qualify as such.

I’m expecting to be nabbed by friends while on course, so I did some quick form study. Here’s how I would manage the day…

Race 1
Getting to the course by 11.30 (the time this race is off) could be a challenge if you’re in the company of women. In fact, you’ll be lucky if they’re out of hair and make-up by then. Some speedy three-year-old fillies look likely to fight it out, with Justin Snaith holding a strong hand. I like the look of Pleasure Jet and Varikate from the stable. Pounce is another fancied runner from the stable, but the stable’s other runners appear to have been nabbed by the top jockeys.

The value may lie with Testing the Wind, who carries bottom weight, and gets another 1.5kg off as a result of being ridden by an apprentice. She was beaten 7 lbs by Pounce last time out (2.25 lengths, at 3 lbs per length) at level weights. Now she carries 3.5 kg less (just under 8 lbs). At double-figure odds she may be an interesting place (or each-way) bet. She took 26 starts to break her maiden, so we’re not looking at a world-beater.

Race 2
Casual Var looks like a decent sprinter in the making. He was beaten the equivalent of 11 lbs by Cape Royal last time out (carried 4.5kg less, and was beaten a neck). Also in the race, carrying 6kg less, is Code of Honour, who got a 19.5 lb beating from Cape Royal last time out.

So, theoretically, Casual Var is 8.5 lbs better than Code of Honour, but he is conceding over 13 lbs. Casual Var is a justifiable favourite, and may well bring home the bacon, but the value lies with Code of Honour (8-1 at time of writing).

Race 3
I would focus my attention on three smart three-year-olds – The West is Wide (carrying 57kg), Tevez (54kg) and Barbosa (52kg). The latter gets the nod, in view of him carrying the lowest weight, but the other two are certainly in the mix.

Race 4
Two-year-olds, at this stage of their careers, can improve dramatically from one start to the next. Following the money is not a bad strategy, but this is unlikely to get you value for money. Whichever horse wins, it will probably be a decent sort. Watch and enjoy.

Race 5
A few lightly raced, promising three-year-olds (Unencumbered, Ashton Park and Western Jet, in particular) meet a couple of lightly raced four-year-olds (Cossack General and Queen’s Club). Bear in mind that the weight-for-age improvement for three-year-olds at this time of year is 10 lbs (on Charles Faull’s Form scale). The younger horses could well end up being much better horses than the four-year-olds when they mature, but the older horses have got the maturity factor on their side (under official WFA terms, the three-year-olds should carry 4kg less than the four-year-olds), which over 1600m equates to more than four lengths.

Cossack General beat Wind Power on the same weight terms last time out, and there’s no reason to expect a different result this time around. The other four-year-old, Queen’s Club has won 2 of his last 3 starts, and could be an interesting each-way bet.

A good trifecta payout is possible here, so a larger permutation could be a worthwhile investment.

Race 6
Capetown Noir should be far too good here, although he is unproven over the distance. None of his siblings have won over this kind of distance, but the combination of Western Winter (his sire) and Fort Wood (the sire of his dam) gives every reason to believe that he will stay. At short odds-on there’s no point backing him outright, but he could be a useful Jackpot or Pick Six banker. If he fails at 2000m it’s anyone’s race.

Race 7
The fillies’ Grade One is quite open, with several fillies having chances. Pick something and have an each-way bet. For the exotics, you’d probably want to go into the race with all of Thunder Dance, Viva Maria, Hammie’s Hooker, All Is Secret and Blueridge Mountain. And those may not be enough. Possibly a race to watch for the enjoyment of seeing a Grade One race being won, rather than having a lot of money at stake.

Race 8
Jackson and Pomodoro are legitimately favourite and second-favourite. It would be no surprise to see either of them win.

But, and this is a big BUT, they are giving 2kg and more to some pretty decent horses. Over this distance, that’s three lengths.

There’s been a lot of talk about Master Plan, but he’s twice been beaten by Beach Beauty (admittedly by less the last time they met).

Bravura very nearly won with top weight in 2012, and carries 2 kg less this year. If he runs the same race he’ll go close to winning. According to his trainer, Joey Ramsden, he didn’t have much luck in the running in either of his last two starts.

Run For It is certainly in contention, and Hill Fifty Four won a cracker last time out. He is improving fast.

Beach Beauty won the Paddock Stakes very impressively last time out, but she’s only getting 2.5 kg from the top weighted colts. Igugu carried 3 kg less than Bravura when she won it. The last fillies to triumph on these weight terms (i.e. carrying just 2.5 kg less than the top-weighted colts) were Empress Club and Olympic Duel. Is she as good as these? We’ll find out tomorrow.

Race 9
Based upon form against La Tigresse, Captainofmysoul should have the beating of The Which Doctor. I’d be tempted to sit this one out, though. Take the time to re-hydrate before the real drinking starts.

Race 10
A few runners here have been on the fringes of the Met action, but the lightly-weighted Grasp Your Destiny and Halfway to Heaven both have admirable recent form. This pair may be enough for the Jackpot.

Race 11
An open race, so it’s probably worth loading up for the Jackpot. On a line through Adobe Pink, Dance for Gold should have the beating of Audrey Rose. And, there shouldn’t be much to choose between Jet Supreme and Jet Lady, on their respective runs against Smart Colleen. Remember, you’re not obliged to have a bet on every race, so this may be another one to just watch.

Race 12
The obligatory start in front of the stands. You can be sure of a good performance from Blake, but I fear that he’s not good enough to give 3 kg to Ilsanpietro. His current odds (28-10) look generous. I would possibly avoid the second Jackpot (the first one has more interesting races), but he’s the closest there is to a banker in this Jackpot.

Punta Arenas tries a new distance. He’s a smart sort, but he’s only carrying 1 kg less than Ilsanpietro, which is unlikely to be enough. Dubai Gina is another smart sort trying a new distance.

You’re welcome to mix and match this any way you like. And, there’s no need to enter the potentially bewildering territory of Pick Sixes, Jackpots, Trifectas and Swingers (OK, maybe those, but for other reasons). You can have just as much fun with the good, old-fashioned “each-way”. This involves a win bet and a place bet on the same horse. If the horse is 5-1 or longer, the place will pay even money or better, so if the horse runs a place the payout on that will cover the loss on the win part of the bet.

I don’t know what we did in queues before smart phones. There’s only so much time you can spend eavesdropping the conversation two positions back, or just generally people watching. Smart phones have changed all that. While standing in queues I can check email, update my Twitter stream, or, as happened yesterday, catch up on what’s happening in the racing world.

Thanks to the News section in Racing Post’s iPhone app I was alerted to some pretty serious price action about a horse called Prince James. It’s not because Prince James is a rising star, far from it. He’s six years old and as Racing Post put it: “failed to beat a single horse home last time but market moves suggest a lot better is expected.” He opened at 10-1, touched 7-2, and eventually started at something like 5-1.

Before yesterday, the beast had started 33 times, for 6 wins. Aside from finishing last at his previous start, his two runs before that were also unplaced. So, there didn’t appear to be anything in his recent form to support the kind of money that was being wagered on him.

I happened to be in front of my television as the field was loading for the 5.00 at Wolverhampton. Prince James was bustled into the lead from an outside draw, slowed the field down a bit going around the bend, and opened up a couple of lengths’ lead as they turned for home. He seemed to be headed in the final furlong, but came back gamely to win a nice race.

I’m not suggesting any skullduggery on the part of the trainer Mick Easterby, or anyone else connected to the horse. Nor do I have anything against Wolverhampton or – indeed – the horse in question.

The problem is this. Someone looking at that betting move from the outside, especially when related to the horse’s recent form, could easily view the episode with the suspicion that an insider knew something that the rest of the market didn’t. It is not unusual for horses with dodgy form to win when they are least expected to. I think most punters would forgive that. It’s when someone’s had a good bet that doubts are raised.

Horse racing does not have a great reputation. Episodes like this – even if nothing questionable happened behind the scenes – does nothing to improve perceptions for the better.

Frankel, Camelot, Black Caviar and others are great for horse racing, but horse racing doesn’t only sell bets at festival meetings. Whether mid-winter racing happens at Wolverhampton, Durbanville or Philadelphia, the industry needs year-round support from fans who trust the sport.

(Disclosure: I had no financial interest in that race.)

The 152nd renewal of the L’Ormarins Queen’s Plate will be run on 12 January 2013. It’s a day when tens of thousands of people who don’t normally go racing will descend on Kenilworth racecourse. The bulk of these will be people with just a casual connection with horse racing, who may not appreciate the relevance of the Queen’s Plate.

I have worked with the team behind Thoroughpedia in putting together two online resources, which we hope will contribute to making the day more meaningful for racegoers.

Firstly, we wanted to add a tech-based element which could be used to make the event more relevant for a broader audience. I developed a game – LQP Match Race – that introduces a few basic racing concepts in a gaming environment, at the same time as introducing gamers to past champions. The game is already live on Facebook (click here to play now). We’ve developed iOS and Android versions as well, so that this largely ‘younger’ audience can get easy mobile access as well.

There are very attractive prizes on offer, both for top performers, and also for players who do the best job of ‘networking’ (i.e. inviting friends, who then play as well).

It’s a small, first step, from which we’ll get feedback that will be incorporated into future iterations. Importantly, it’s a fresh attempt at making horse racing relevant to modern consumers.

Accompanying the game is an information-rich website about the Queen’s Plate:
www.queensplate.info
In a sense, this is a digital Hall of Fame for one of the country’s most important races.

The Queen’s Plate was first run in the 19th century; now it has some 21st century toys!